Thursday, May 13, 2010

Mr. Quinton Von Haus

This is Quinton Von Haus. He's a forest hobo. He just wanders around the woods and collects things like forest mushrooms or acorns. He has a forest house too, made of twigs, logs and other wooden things that fall off trees. It's very impressive. And no one can find it, because the forest is also magical and hidden away in a magical grove. Oh yeah, Mr. Von Haus is magical, too. He's a wizard. And he's Buddhist, so he chose to live his life simplistically. And in a magic forest.

His best friend is a nymph named Cyndi. She's very kind and caring, and her mother is Gaia. Well...not THE Gaia. It's like, really complicated. But not like, Gaia Gaia. A different one. Okay?

Mr. Von Haus the magical forest hobo wanted to be a toadstool originally. But toadstools ended up killing his father, Zeus (not THE Zeus, it's...it's complicated. Don't ask which Zeus. Not the god, though.) So then he wanted to be a chair. Just a chair, for god's sake but that didn't happen because PART OF HIM IS MADE OF WOOD AND THAT WOULD BE SUICIDE!

It's okay if I've lost you. Don't feel bad.

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Sunday, May 2, 2010

Alister Vaughn Peutinshfiegl

During WWII, Alister was a German soldier who fought in the Nazi party. While working directly under Mr. Hitler, Alister started questioning his life. He knew that Adolf had previously been interested in art. Perhaps he really wanted to be an artist? There were many other questions that presented themselves to Alister, and he found himself running away shortly after discovering his personal, moral insecurities in his early twenties.

Among running away from everything involving the Germans, the war, Hitler and guns and shit, Alister ran far, far into the woods. These woods were magical. He found the fountain of youth. Unknowingly and ignorantly, Alister scrambled into the still waters and saturated himself in the substance.

At that moment, he realized that his true place was in America and that his calling was being a glove compartment for a car. So he hopped a ship to America immediately and set sail for this very country. He mentally reviewed his life while storing maps, handbooks and other papery things; he really loved the Jewish culture and eventually was owned by a lovely, Hebrew family. He came to love life. He now enjoys eating paper and things that are green.

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Thank you, Rimpy! You've done it again!