Zarathushtra

Luckily for Massey, this little guy goes by John. He's an awkward young fellow. He goes to elementary school, and none of the other kids know where he's from. He's very bath at math, English and other school subjects. But he loves to grow cucumbers in the garden. During PE, John just sits alone on the tracks and pokes at ants with blades of grass. John doesn't talk much; when he does oral presentations, he mostly just gestures with his hands. When John does talk, he undergoes bouts of a very special form of Turrets. Talking about awkward things to begin with doesn't exactly help John's demeanor.

Dialogue from John last week at lunch time: "Um, it's a peanut butter and CUPCAKES jelly sandwich. My CANDY CORN mother made it this FROSTING morning. You can have a TOOTSIE POP ROCK CANDY bite if you want, Mark. I don't like the lunches here. Even the SUGAR! SUGAR! SUGAR! SUGAR!" Mark intervenes: "John, are you okay dude?" "SUGAR! SUGAR! SUGAR!"

John really is a sweet boy (no pun intended.) He loves to write Ben 10 fan fiction, play Alien VS Predator with the trees in his back yard (they're his best friends and he gives them names), and bake caramelized candy-apple gummy worm muffins, because then, he doesn't feel so out of place when he talks.

Gabor

Gabor, demigod of children-eating, is from the underworld. Satan's second cousin (three times removed) Clark McStauss, summoned Gabor from the crevices of hell and sent him to cast his om-nom-nommy wrath upon children in the Vista Ridge mall in Lewisville, Texas. He cannot be seen from ground level, leaving many children to be caught off guard. Only the "higher" power can see Gabor; Jesus, God, and people standing on the second-floor balcony.

It is said that some mothers know of Gabor's existence, so they take their children there when they have been bad to be eaten. Gabor always releases them once they have learned their lesson, and they will appear in odd places, like the 3T size baby clothes rack in Wal Mart, or in motel washers. However, they never come out the same. Limbs go missing, their eyes are crossed...it's quite terrible. No one knows what Gabor makes them do inside his gullet...but it must be awful. Who wants to be eaten? Especially little hyperactive mall toddlers.

Rusty

Here's Rusty. He's mad at life. Why? Because he lives on a toilet bowl. He's plastered there forever. He'll glare at you when you doody. Because Rusty hates when people do such a disgusting thing right next to his face. Maybe he shouldn't have sold his soul to an evil witch when he was ten...then maybe this curse wouldn't have been thrust upon Rusty. But he just didn't listen when the nice Mormon man told him not to do it. Silly Rusty. Now look at yourself. You sinful devil, you.

Old Man Seth Shadow

Something has crept into our house...and that something is Old Man Seth Shadow. For years, Old Man Seth has lived next door to us. He was your classic old fart: sitting on the porch with a rifle, warding off youngsters making their way home from school; screamin' at the paper boy every morning about the liberals; yelling at his 60 year old son on the phone because he couldn't hear a damn thing his son was saying; feeding the neighbor kid's balls that fell over his fence to his 15 year old chocolate lab, Coolidge.

Recently, after schooling the post-lady about her true place in the kitchen, he was hit upside the head with a heavy parcel, and fell to the ground. His skull was so dense and filled with right-winged cinder blocks that the fall didn't hurt him. He rose to his feet only for the postwoman to explain the concept of civil unions. Old Man Seth was in such shock that the gays weren't derived from Grimm's Fairy Tales that he had an instant stroke.

Old Man Seth's recently obtained truths of the liberal lifestyle lead his evil soul to roam the earth. His shadow crept its was under our door one night. Sometimes, if the house is really quiet, you'll hear whispers regarding Richard Nixon. And if you're REALLY lucky, you'll catch a glimpse of Old Man Seth Shadow, liver spots and all.



Thanks, Rimpy. You've done it again!

Shinjiro Nakahashi

"Nakahashi Shinjiro desu," says Shinjiro of Kyoto, Japan. Foreign exchange student Shinjiro is an avid online gamer who learned the English language all on his own so that he could curse at noobs while playing WOW or Runescape. He is very cynical, and loves to criticize anybody who lacks proper strategy or grammar. His goal is to prove that his mastery of this language and exceed even our most dignified poets.

Nakahashi Shinjiro-kun loves to eat miso chashu omori and tiramisu. He eats only with handmade chopsticks imported from rural Asian cities known for the woodwork, or finely crafted silverware. He wears only black and white, and believes that color is immature and childish. He loathes J-pop, Powerpuff Girls and 13 year old Swedish children whose mothers allow them internet access. Basically, he's a total DICK.



Special thanks to Rimpy for the photo.

Borislav Bogdan

This is Borislav Bogdan, more commonly know to his friends as Boris. He comes from a small town whose inhabitants' younger nieces all seem to be beautiful Russian figure skaters. Boris spent months trying to climb Mt. Elbrus, but nearly died, and unfortunately, lost several of his fingers and toes in the process.

Because he lost his phalanges, Boris dove into a deep depression when he was in his latter twenties and shut himself away from society. He became the town drunk, and all of the children of the town began to fear his presence in alleyways. Even his figure-skating niece, Lidochka, cowered in fear at the sight of him. Jehovah's Witnesses tried to pull them into their Kingdom Hall, and that's when Boris had an epiphany: he wanted to move to America and research different Bibles!

He stowed away on a ship in a Russian port and hid in a giant tub. He came to America when he was in his early thirties and gave up drinking altogether. He moved into a small house in the middle of the Arizonan desert and accumulated many Bibles. When he finally sat down to read them, he realized that he could not actually read. So he just used his Bibles as doorstops, paperweights and pretend Christmas-presents, given the time of year. Then he went to work on an oil rig.

Boris has an odd relationship with the country and its establishments. He was displeased when the first Chinese food restaurant was built near his home. He was very pleased when Clinton came into office, but wanted Lewinski to be his wife. He hates New Mexico and Southern California, and claims that "being stuck in the middle is like being the yak's meat on a sandwich: tender and moist, while no one appreciates the bread."

Helmo

Say hello to Helmo. Straight from Bratislava, Helmo can speak barely any English. But he loves America. He moved into a studio apartment in Fort Bragg, California, after running from the Slovakian mafia. (Something about money, and gambling, and Italian sports cars...I couldn't understand many words when he explained this to me.)

Helmo loves to go to the beach to go boogie-boarding in the Winter. He eats fried Octopus with Tabasco sauce. He likes to collect stamps, striped beach towels, and preserved sea creatures with plastic sunglasses super-glued to them. He loves tall, blond women (probably a little too much) and can't grow a mustache.

Jesse

I'm certain you'll be pleased to meet our new friend, Jesse. Jesse is a very surprised little guy who is shocked by nearly everything. He was kept in his house until he was 14 years old, because he was albino. But through intense Protestant prayer, God the magician transformed him into a beige object, and he could go outside.

Jesse wants to see the world, but he is too afraid that he'll faint at the sight of everything he sees. His favorite things to look up on the internet (when he isn't playing WOW) are images of Easter Island, crossword puzzles, pictures of girls with oddly colored hair (he LOVES Pink Hobbes and eccentric creatures, like Madagascar hissing cockroaches, star moles and sand dollars. He also has an obsession with mythology and loves Cthulu.

Richard Yamamoto

Hello my friend, and meet Richard. Also known as "Dick" by his coworkers, Richard is a hard working jug of water. He's a great paper-filer, and loves to put stamps on things. Richard's mother was Irish and his father Japanese. They met out at sea while both of their life rafts got stranded. They figured they might as well make love before they died. But they actually just imagined that because they were really just in an asylum and hadn't received their daily meds.

While he isn't at work, Richard loves to attend sushi bars and Karaoke nights at the local pub. He is a beer enthusiast; his fridge is never left empty of the substance. His favorite food is yakitori, and his favorite color is secretly pastel yellow.