Mr. Quinton Von Haus

This is Quinton Von Haus. He's a forest hobo. He just wanders around the woods and collects things like forest mushrooms or acorns. He has a forest house too, made of twigs, logs and other wooden things that fall off trees. It's very impressive. And no one can find it, because the forest is also magical and hidden away in a magical grove. Oh yeah, Mr. Von Haus is magical, too. He's a wizard. And he's Buddhist, so he chose to live his life simplistically. And in a magic forest.

His best friend is a nymph named Cyndi. She's very kind and caring, and her mother is Gaia. Well...not THE Gaia. It's like, really complicated. But not like, Gaia Gaia. A different one. Okay?

Mr. Von Haus the magical forest hobo wanted to be a toadstool originally. But toadstools ended up killing his father, Zeus (not THE Zeus, it's...it's complicated. Don't ask which Zeus. Not the god, though.) So then he wanted to be a chair. Just a chair, for god's sake but that didn't happen because PART OF HIM IS MADE OF WOOD AND THAT WOULD BE SUICIDE!

It's okay if I've lost you. Don't feel bad.

Alister Vaughn Peutinshfiegl

During WWII, Alister was a German soldier who fought in the Nazi party. While working directly under Mr. Hitler, Alister started questioning his life. He knew that Adolf had previously been interested in art. Perhaps he really wanted to be an artist? There were many other questions that presented themselves to Alister, and he found himself running away shortly after discovering his personal, moral insecurities in his early twenties.

Among running away from everything involving the Germans, the war, Hitler and guns and shit, Alister ran far, far into the woods. These woods were magical. He found the fountain of youth. Unknowingly and ignorantly, Alister scrambled into the still waters and saturated himself in the substance.

At that moment, he realized that his true place was in America and that his calling was being a glove compartment for a car. So he hopped a ship to America immediately and set sail for this very country. He mentally reviewed his life while storing maps, handbooks and other papery things; he really loved the Jewish culture and eventually was owned by a lovely, Hebrew family. He came to love life. He now enjoys eating paper and things that are green.



Thank you, Rimpy! You've done it again!

Brian Joshua and Jason Jackson

Usually, I don't like to do couples, but I just couldn't pass this opportunity up. Brian and Jason are very busy people and barely have time to spend together these days. But I was lucky enough to catch them on vacation. What are the odds that I'd find them on a cruise ship? They're good friends of mine and they were available for an interview, so I seized the opportunity.

Brian was raised with the Mormon church. He wasn't secure in his own ways and ran away when he was about 19 to find himself. He ended up in San Francisco and started selling drugs because he couldn't find a job. His drug dealer was a drag queen from the Philippines. He couldn't understand what she was saying most of the time, but Brian just continued to sell crack. One day, he tried it himself and became very addicted. In 78, Brian began to take interest in Harvey Milk. Because of this, he wanted to know more about politics. He stopped doing drugs and turned his focus to school. He lives out of an abandoned car while we went to college. When Milk was assassinated, Brian moved to New York to find an apartment and a couple jobs while he furthered his education.

Jason was adopted by very loving parents who raised him well. He went to culinary school in New York and eventually opened up his own cake shop. He made eccentric cakes in the shape of fish, penises, cats and Shakespearean poetry (he was REALLY good.) One day, a man complained that his cake was not long enough. Jason argued that size was irrelevant. The man disagreed. Jason quit his cake business and went to school to study acting, so that he could act out that man on stage, emphasize his actions, give him a funny voice similar to that of Don Knotts and humiliate him.

The two bumped into each other on their way to their classes. Brian was a mess. Joshua took him home and cleaned him up and gave him clothes. The two fell in love. They moved in and adopted children. Much later, when gay marriage became legal in Massachusetts, they moved there, got married, and watched all their children have children, and became grandparents.

Recently, Jason opened his own theater and finally accomplished his dream, only to find that the man who had insulted his cock-cake had died of a Viagra overdose. Still, Jason was satisfied and celebrated with his husband by boarding a fancy cruise ship.

Michael Dougley

Say hello to Michael, guardian of my mother's pancreas. Recently, my dear, sweet mother was put in the hospital because she had pancreatitis. The whole time she was there, Michael watched over her and took care of her.

When mom needed hospital Jello that tasted like Windex, Michael got it for her. When she needed to haul her IV to the potty, Michael was there. No matter what was going on, Michael offered his physical and emotional services to my mother. There's no way I could possibly thank him enough for what he did for her.

I had the opportunity to speak with Michael in private. I asked about his life. He said that his mother was hospitalized as a child, and he helped her as much as possible. But she passed, and Michael vowed to help mothers in hospitals for the rest of his life. He loves hugs from nice mommies, and his favorite part about caring for people is tucking them in at night.

Aside from his care for others, Michael likes to ride his bike. He likes the sunshine. He goes to Mass regularly. He has a weak spot for small, domesticated rodents, like hamsters and mice. He likes big flowers and spring days.



Thanks again to the famous Rimpy for the picture.

Peter Pie-Face

It's April! That must mean it's Peter Pie Face month at the local cafe! Peter Pie Face comes back every April to say hi. He's filled with all sorts of tasty fruits. The happiest of pies, Peter loves to be eaten. He loves teeth and stomach acid. He even loves returning to greet his om-nommer by means of toilet.

Peter has many quirks. He likes knock-knock jokes. His favorite is, "Knock knock. Who's there? Pie. Pie who? EAT MY FACE!" Peter likes to listen to old school rap and kick it with his homies, Seasoned Fry Seymour and Kristen Crepe. They love to watch Adam Sandler movies together.

Peter has many dreams for the future. He wants to get married to a beautiful peach cobbler and have delicious babies. He wants to move into a two-story house with a back yard and a garden, NO VEGETABLES ALLOWED! He wants a puppy, a cat, and several butt-burnin' workout VHS tapes, including Sweatin' to the Oldies with Richard Simmons.

Zarathushtra

Luckily for Massey, this little guy goes by John. He's an awkward young fellow. He goes to elementary school, and none of the other kids know where he's from. He's very bath at math, English and other school subjects. But he loves to grow cucumbers in the garden. During PE, John just sits alone on the tracks and pokes at ants with blades of grass. John doesn't talk much; when he does oral presentations, he mostly just gestures with his hands. When John does talk, he undergoes bouts of a very special form of Turrets. Talking about awkward things to begin with doesn't exactly help John's demeanor.

Dialogue from John last week at lunch time: "Um, it's a peanut butter and CUPCAKES jelly sandwich. My CANDY CORN mother made it this FROSTING morning. You can have a TOOTSIE POP ROCK CANDY bite if you want, Mark. I don't like the lunches here. Even the SUGAR! SUGAR! SUGAR! SUGAR!" Mark intervenes: "John, are you okay dude?" "SUGAR! SUGAR! SUGAR!"

John really is a sweet boy (no pun intended.) He loves to write Ben 10 fan fiction, play Alien VS Predator with the trees in his back yard (they're his best friends and he gives them names), and bake caramelized candy-apple gummy worm muffins, because then, he doesn't feel so out of place when he talks.

Gabor

Gabor, demigod of children-eating, is from the underworld. Satan's second cousin (three times removed) Clark McStauss, summoned Gabor from the crevices of hell and sent him to cast his om-nom-nommy wrath upon children in the Vista Ridge mall in Lewisville, Texas. He cannot be seen from ground level, leaving many children to be caught off guard. Only the "higher" power can see Gabor; Jesus, God, and people standing on the second-floor balcony.

It is said that some mothers know of Gabor's existence, so they take their children there when they have been bad to be eaten. Gabor always releases them once they have learned their lesson, and they will appear in odd places, like the 3T size baby clothes rack in Wal Mart, or in motel washers. However, they never come out the same. Limbs go missing, their eyes are crossed...it's quite terrible. No one knows what Gabor makes them do inside his gullet...but it must be awful. Who wants to be eaten? Especially little hyperactive mall toddlers.

Rusty

Here's Rusty. He's mad at life. Why? Because he lives on a toilet bowl. He's plastered there forever. He'll glare at you when you doody. Because Rusty hates when people do such a disgusting thing right next to his face. Maybe he shouldn't have sold his soul to an evil witch when he was ten...then maybe this curse wouldn't have been thrust upon Rusty. But he just didn't listen when the nice Mormon man told him not to do it. Silly Rusty. Now look at yourself. You sinful devil, you.

Old Man Seth Shadow

Something has crept into our house...and that something is Old Man Seth Shadow. For years, Old Man Seth has lived next door to us. He was your classic old fart: sitting on the porch with a rifle, warding off youngsters making their way home from school; screamin' at the paper boy every morning about the liberals; yelling at his 60 year old son on the phone because he couldn't hear a damn thing his son was saying; feeding the neighbor kid's balls that fell over his fence to his 15 year old chocolate lab, Coolidge.

Recently, after schooling the post-lady about her true place in the kitchen, he was hit upside the head with a heavy parcel, and fell to the ground. His skull was so dense and filled with right-winged cinder blocks that the fall didn't hurt him. He rose to his feet only for the postwoman to explain the concept of civil unions. Old Man Seth was in such shock that the gays weren't derived from Grimm's Fairy Tales that he had an instant stroke.

Old Man Seth's recently obtained truths of the liberal lifestyle lead his evil soul to roam the earth. His shadow crept its was under our door one night. Sometimes, if the house is really quiet, you'll hear whispers regarding Richard Nixon. And if you're REALLY lucky, you'll catch a glimpse of Old Man Seth Shadow, liver spots and all.



Thanks, Rimpy. You've done it again!

Shinjiro Nakahashi

"Nakahashi Shinjiro desu," says Shinjiro of Kyoto, Japan. Foreign exchange student Shinjiro is an avid online gamer who learned the English language all on his own so that he could curse at noobs while playing WOW or Runescape. He is very cynical, and loves to criticize anybody who lacks proper strategy or grammar. His goal is to prove that his mastery of this language and exceed even our most dignified poets.

Nakahashi Shinjiro-kun loves to eat miso chashu omori and tiramisu. He eats only with handmade chopsticks imported from rural Asian cities known for the woodwork, or finely crafted silverware. He wears only black and white, and believes that color is immature and childish. He loathes J-pop, Powerpuff Girls and 13 year old Swedish children whose mothers allow them internet access. Basically, he's a total DICK.



Special thanks to Rimpy for the photo.

Borislav Bogdan

This is Borislav Bogdan, more commonly know to his friends as Boris. He comes from a small town whose inhabitants' younger nieces all seem to be beautiful Russian figure skaters. Boris spent months trying to climb Mt. Elbrus, but nearly died, and unfortunately, lost several of his fingers and toes in the process.

Because he lost his phalanges, Boris dove into a deep depression when he was in his latter twenties and shut himself away from society. He became the town drunk, and all of the children of the town began to fear his presence in alleyways. Even his figure-skating niece, Lidochka, cowered in fear at the sight of him. Jehovah's Witnesses tried to pull them into their Kingdom Hall, and that's when Boris had an epiphany: he wanted to move to America and research different Bibles!

He stowed away on a ship in a Russian port and hid in a giant tub. He came to America when he was in his early thirties and gave up drinking altogether. He moved into a small house in the middle of the Arizonan desert and accumulated many Bibles. When he finally sat down to read them, he realized that he could not actually read. So he just used his Bibles as doorstops, paperweights and pretend Christmas-presents, given the time of year. Then he went to work on an oil rig.

Boris has an odd relationship with the country and its establishments. He was displeased when the first Chinese food restaurant was built near his home. He was very pleased when Clinton came into office, but wanted Lewinski to be his wife. He hates New Mexico and Southern California, and claims that "being stuck in the middle is like being the yak's meat on a sandwich: tender and moist, while no one appreciates the bread."

Helmo

Say hello to Helmo. Straight from Bratislava, Helmo can speak barely any English. But he loves America. He moved into a studio apartment in Fort Bragg, California, after running from the Slovakian mafia. (Something about money, and gambling, and Italian sports cars...I couldn't understand many words when he explained this to me.)

Helmo loves to go to the beach to go boogie-boarding in the Winter. He eats fried Octopus with Tabasco sauce. He likes to collect stamps, striped beach towels, and preserved sea creatures with plastic sunglasses super-glued to them. He loves tall, blond women (probably a little too much) and can't grow a mustache.

Jesse

I'm certain you'll be pleased to meet our new friend, Jesse. Jesse is a very surprised little guy who is shocked by nearly everything. He was kept in his house until he was 14 years old, because he was albino. But through intense Protestant prayer, God the magician transformed him into a beige object, and he could go outside.

Jesse wants to see the world, but he is too afraid that he'll faint at the sight of everything he sees. His favorite things to look up on the internet (when he isn't playing WOW) are images of Easter Island, crossword puzzles, pictures of girls with oddly colored hair (he LOVES Pink Hobbes and eccentric creatures, like Madagascar hissing cockroaches, star moles and sand dollars. He also has an obsession with mythology and loves Cthulu.

Richard Yamamoto

Hello my friend, and meet Richard. Also known as "Dick" by his coworkers, Richard is a hard working jug of water. He's a great paper-filer, and loves to put stamps on things. Richard's mother was Irish and his father Japanese. They met out at sea while both of their life rafts got stranded. They figured they might as well make love before they died. But they actually just imagined that because they were really just in an asylum and hadn't received their daily meds.

While he isn't at work, Richard loves to attend sushi bars and Karaoke nights at the local pub. He is a beer enthusiast; his fridge is never left empty of the substance. His favorite food is yakitori, and his favorite color is secretly pastel yellow.

Trunksie the Closet Elephant

Trunksie is a pachyderm who resides in the closet of Massey and Lion. Until recently, Trunksie lived undiscovered entirely, but emerged after we placed peanut-butter in a mouse trap to try and catch our local, furry fugitive, Teacup. Trunksie clearly spotted the bait for our mousy friend and ate it all up himself.

We aren't too sure why Trunksie lives where he lives. It's dark and lonely in there. Perhaps he likes the solitude? Or maybe he likes to try on my leggings when the rest of the house is asleep. There is much to be discovered about Trunksie the Closet Elephant.

Benvolio

Here we have Benvolio. He's a part time potty-chair for a feisty two year old, and a full time peeping tom. Whenever people aren't looking, Benvolio is hanging out in trees, watching women through their windows. However, Benvolio is FAR from a normal pervert...he gets his fix by watching women poach eggs.

Benvolio is absolutely CRAZY about poached eggs. Whenever there aren't poached eggs for him to drool over, he goes into a spiraling depression where he tries to drown himself. But because he has no legs, every one of Benvolio's suicide attempts has failed miserably.

If you talk to Benvolio, he will most likely pretend he's deaf. He's a bit of a misanthrope and takes little interest in others' feelings. All he wants is his poached eggs and baby urine.

Marky Smithams

This is Marky...Marky Smithams. He is a proud part of our shower. He's quite the loudmouth, and isn't afraid to say exactly what's on his mind at the expense of others' feelings.

Originally from New York City, Marky moved here to watch the ladies in our house shower. He's a bit of a pervert. But somehow, he still manages to maintain a minuscule amount of class, and he always holds the door open for a pretty lady.

Marky's favorite things include red-heads, cheap Mexican food, race cars whose wheels are too big for the frame, and rubber duckies.

Milford

This is Milford. He's a worrisome little tampon box with little courage...but a big, big heart. He has a soft spot for women, and feels great sympathy and respect toward them. He's very helpful, and answers requests promptly and wholeheartedly. Milford is loyal, giving and gracious. He always offers his presence as a devoted listener, and though he is very young, he offers advice whenever he can.