Mr. Quinton Von Haus

This is Quinton Von Haus. He's a forest hobo. He just wanders around the woods and collects things like forest mushrooms or acorns. He has a forest house too, made of twigs, logs and other wooden things that fall off trees. It's very impressive. And no one can find it, because the forest is also magical and hidden away in a magical grove. Oh yeah, Mr. Von Haus is magical, too. He's a wizard. And he's Buddhist, so he chose to live his life simplistically. And in a magic forest.

His best friend is a nymph named Cyndi. She's very kind and caring, and her mother is Gaia. Well...not THE Gaia. It's like, really complicated. But not like, Gaia Gaia. A different one. Okay?

Mr. Von Haus the magical forest hobo wanted to be a toadstool originally. But toadstools ended up killing his father, Zeus (not THE Zeus, it's...it's complicated. Don't ask which Zeus. Not the god, though.) So then he wanted to be a chair. Just a chair, for god's sake but that didn't happen because PART OF HIM IS MADE OF WOOD AND THAT WOULD BE SUICIDE!

It's okay if I've lost you. Don't feel bad.

Alister Vaughn Peutinshfiegl

During WWII, Alister was a German soldier who fought in the Nazi party. While working directly under Mr. Hitler, Alister started questioning his life. He knew that Adolf had previously been interested in art. Perhaps he really wanted to be an artist? There were many other questions that presented themselves to Alister, and he found himself running away shortly after discovering his personal, moral insecurities in his early twenties.

Among running away from everything involving the Germans, the war, Hitler and guns and shit, Alister ran far, far into the woods. These woods were magical. He found the fountain of youth. Unknowingly and ignorantly, Alister scrambled into the still waters and saturated himself in the substance.

At that moment, he realized that his true place was in America and that his calling was being a glove compartment for a car. So he hopped a ship to America immediately and set sail for this very country. He mentally reviewed his life while storing maps, handbooks and other papery things; he really loved the Jewish culture and eventually was owned by a lovely, Hebrew family. He came to love life. He now enjoys eating paper and things that are green.



Thank you, Rimpy! You've done it again!

Brian Joshua and Jason Jackson

Usually, I don't like to do couples, but I just couldn't pass this opportunity up. Brian and Jason are very busy people and barely have time to spend together these days. But I was lucky enough to catch them on vacation. What are the odds that I'd find them on a cruise ship? They're good friends of mine and they were available for an interview, so I seized the opportunity.

Brian was raised with the Mormon church. He wasn't secure in his own ways and ran away when he was about 19 to find himself. He ended up in San Francisco and started selling drugs because he couldn't find a job. His drug dealer was a drag queen from the Philippines. He couldn't understand what she was saying most of the time, but Brian just continued to sell crack. One day, he tried it himself and became very addicted. In 78, Brian began to take interest in Harvey Milk. Because of this, he wanted to know more about politics. He stopped doing drugs and turned his focus to school. He lives out of an abandoned car while we went to college. When Milk was assassinated, Brian moved to New York to find an apartment and a couple jobs while he furthered his education.

Jason was adopted by very loving parents who raised him well. He went to culinary school in New York and eventually opened up his own cake shop. He made eccentric cakes in the shape of fish, penises, cats and Shakespearean poetry (he was REALLY good.) One day, a man complained that his cake was not long enough. Jason argued that size was irrelevant. The man disagreed. Jason quit his cake business and went to school to study acting, so that he could act out that man on stage, emphasize his actions, give him a funny voice similar to that of Don Knotts and humiliate him.

The two bumped into each other on their way to their classes. Brian was a mess. Joshua took him home and cleaned him up and gave him clothes. The two fell in love. They moved in and adopted children. Much later, when gay marriage became legal in Massachusetts, they moved there, got married, and watched all their children have children, and became grandparents.

Recently, Jason opened his own theater and finally accomplished his dream, only to find that the man who had insulted his cock-cake had died of a Viagra overdose. Still, Jason was satisfied and celebrated with his husband by boarding a fancy cruise ship.

Michael Dougley

Say hello to Michael, guardian of my mother's pancreas. Recently, my dear, sweet mother was put in the hospital because she had pancreatitis. The whole time she was there, Michael watched over her and took care of her.

When mom needed hospital Jello that tasted like Windex, Michael got it for her. When she needed to haul her IV to the potty, Michael was there. No matter what was going on, Michael offered his physical and emotional services to my mother. There's no way I could possibly thank him enough for what he did for her.

I had the opportunity to speak with Michael in private. I asked about his life. He said that his mother was hospitalized as a child, and he helped her as much as possible. But she passed, and Michael vowed to help mothers in hospitals for the rest of his life. He loves hugs from nice mommies, and his favorite part about caring for people is tucking them in at night.

Aside from his care for others, Michael likes to ride his bike. He likes the sunshine. He goes to Mass regularly. He has a weak spot for small, domesticated rodents, like hamsters and mice. He likes big flowers and spring days.



Thanks again to the famous Rimpy for the picture.

Peter Pie-Face

It's April! That must mean it's Peter Pie Face month at the local cafe! Peter Pie Face comes back every April to say hi. He's filled with all sorts of tasty fruits. The happiest of pies, Peter loves to be eaten. He loves teeth and stomach acid. He even loves returning to greet his om-nommer by means of toilet.

Peter has many quirks. He likes knock-knock jokes. His favorite is, "Knock knock. Who's there? Pie. Pie who? EAT MY FACE!" Peter likes to listen to old school rap and kick it with his homies, Seasoned Fry Seymour and Kristen Crepe. They love to watch Adam Sandler movies together.

Peter has many dreams for the future. He wants to get married to a beautiful peach cobbler and have delicious babies. He wants to move into a two-story house with a back yard and a garden, NO VEGETABLES ALLOWED! He wants a puppy, a cat, and several butt-burnin' workout VHS tapes, including Sweatin' to the Oldies with Richard Simmons.

Zarathushtra

Luckily for Massey, this little guy goes by John. He's an awkward young fellow. He goes to elementary school, and none of the other kids know where he's from. He's very bath at math, English and other school subjects. But he loves to grow cucumbers in the garden. During PE, John just sits alone on the tracks and pokes at ants with blades of grass. John doesn't talk much; when he does oral presentations, he mostly just gestures with his hands. When John does talk, he undergoes bouts of a very special form of Turrets. Talking about awkward things to begin with doesn't exactly help John's demeanor.

Dialogue from John last week at lunch time: "Um, it's a peanut butter and CUPCAKES jelly sandwich. My CANDY CORN mother made it this FROSTING morning. You can have a TOOTSIE POP ROCK CANDY bite if you want, Mark. I don't like the lunches here. Even the SUGAR! SUGAR! SUGAR! SUGAR!" Mark intervenes: "John, are you okay dude?" "SUGAR! SUGAR! SUGAR!"

John really is a sweet boy (no pun intended.) He loves to write Ben 10 fan fiction, play Alien VS Predator with the trees in his back yard (they're his best friends and he gives them names), and bake caramelized candy-apple gummy worm muffins, because then, he doesn't feel so out of place when he talks.

Gabor

Gabor, demigod of children-eating, is from the underworld. Satan's second cousin (three times removed) Clark McStauss, summoned Gabor from the crevices of hell and sent him to cast his om-nom-nommy wrath upon children in the Vista Ridge mall in Lewisville, Texas. He cannot be seen from ground level, leaving many children to be caught off guard. Only the "higher" power can see Gabor; Jesus, God, and people standing on the second-floor balcony.

It is said that some mothers know of Gabor's existence, so they take their children there when they have been bad to be eaten. Gabor always releases them once they have learned their lesson, and they will appear in odd places, like the 3T size baby clothes rack in Wal Mart, or in motel washers. However, they never come out the same. Limbs go missing, their eyes are crossed...it's quite terrible. No one knows what Gabor makes them do inside his gullet...but it must be awful. Who wants to be eaten? Especially little hyperactive mall toddlers.